In a surprising and precedent-setting case, the Supreme Court has decided that toddlers are not persons.
“We declare that it is the mark of liberty for each person to decide when personhood begins. Our Court has thoroughly examined all the evidence, and following this principle, we have decided that the age of personhood must be moved from birth to 7, the age of reason, for we define persons as members of Homo sapiens that have clear intellectual capacities, ” said the Chief Justice Burger. Many people were outraged.
“It is my right to deny the personhood of another, but how dare they define and deny my child’s right to personhood?! He walks, can count, and knows his ABCs!” said Ms. Trobato Choice. Feminist groups, however, are celebrating this landmark victory.
“Thanks to this, women have the choice to do what’s best for themselves, relieving poor, single, or just tired mothers from any archaic notions of duty to their children,” said a spokeswoman for Women for Choice. The Komen Foundation added, “There are some patriarchal and sexist organizations, like Feminists for Life and the Susan B. Anthony List, that oppose this measure, but they’re a minority.” Peter Singer found his offices bombarded with the press, finally giving him the status he deserved as a progressive prophet and philosopher of his generation.
“This is what I’ve been saying all along, and I’m glad that the US government has finally gotten the point.” Curiously, slavers from other countries are pouring into the US, and flyers and postings online were seen from Nike, looking to buy children. The scientific community was also looking into replacing their monkeys with toddlers, to reduce the cost of their experiments as well as pacifying the animal rights movement. They are looking into the possibility of organ harvesting as well. The pro-life groups could not be reached for comment.
Next Week in US Government News
Hunter v California goes to the Supreme Court
A man appeals his conviction under the Migratory Bird Act. He was found smashing the eggs of the American Crow and the Golden Eagle, complaining that they caused crop damage and killed his livestock. The Court is expected to uphold the conviction.