I picked up this book yesterday at the library, and it was a humorous read. It’s geared more toward flower gardeners and those who compete in shows, though. It’s a collection of stories and a dictionary for the gardener, with entries such as these in the Digger’s Dictionary:
gardeners: People who try to keep plants alive in and around their homes. They’re divided into the following categories based on their level of expertise:
- novice gardener: Someone who hasn’t gardened long enough to kill 100 plants
- experienced gardener: Someone who’s gardened long enough to kill 1,000 plants
- expert gardener: Someone who’s qualified to tell others how to kill 10,000 plants
- author of this book: Someone who makes money writing and lecturing about how he killed 100,000 plants in fewer than 25 years
green supremacists: People who think that their front lawns should stay green from April to November, regardless of drought conditions. They’re ready to use any chemical to maintain their lawn, and can usually be found caring for and mowing it at 6:30 AM ever Saturday morning. They compare themselves with their neighbors based on the greenness and lack of diversity of their lawn. No temperate zone green supremacist can accept the idea that lawn grasses naturally go dormant and turn brown in hot weather.
And, a condition that probably many gardeners have:
zone denial: Behavior exhibited by gardeners who are either delusional or who think the people who work for the US Department of Agriculture are delusional. Typically, they believe that semi-tropical plants can survive in places like North Dakota, Wisconsin, and Montana. This belief gives them the chance to completely redesign their gardens every spring, since the remains of their plants end up on compost heaps at the end of every winter.